Well I’m pregnant. We aren’t telling anyone yet, but I guess that I can write it here. You don’t know who I am. I am thrilled. I knew two weeks ago that I was, but I think that it was too early for the pee stick to register. I KNEW, however, that I saw a faint line. My husband insisted that I imagined it. Nope. I just have fantastic eyesight.
My baby is almost 8 months old. I will have two in diapers for a while. It should be exciting. This has really been the plan all along. I want lots of babies. And, well, my fertility is a miracle in light of the years of anorexia, so why not capitalize on the miracle?? At least that’s what I think. I just have to convince my husband that they are cheaper by the dozen!
So the problem that I face is this: When I was pregnant the last time, I put trauma work on hold. My therapist and I decided that it would be too much to be pregnant and going through the trauma stuff. This made sense. Now, it doesn’t make as much sense. I can’t put it on hold anymore. It is ripe, ready to be birthed. Not just a few weeks along, like my sweet little pea inside of me, but full-term. We can’t wait any longer. It is coming. So no more postponements. Nothing can halt this process.
I am not sure how we are going to do it, with an infant and one on the the way. I will have to ask for so much more help than I am comfortable asking for. My husband is going to have to step up a little more. I hope that he’s okay with that.
Because this trauma baby is ready, I am dilated and effaced, and we are on the delivery table. So ready or not, here it comes. Crap.
The Beautiful Broken 
Firstly, congratulations! And secondly, you can do this…and working through your trauma will be the making of you in the long run (I’m not there yet myself but I’m told it works that way!) and therefore the best thing you could do for your babies. You being you, in every way you can possibly be, is all they need. That and a bucket load of love, which I’m sure you will continue to give whatever happens. With you all the way xx
I trust that this process will lead to more wholeness for generations to come, for both of us! Thank you for your encouragement!