Today held quite a bit of potential. Nightmares about my own mother offered themselves as today’s prelude. I rose from the nightmares to meet the needs of my own sweet babies at 7 AM. Mother’s Day, for me, is a bit of a paradox. On one side of the coin, there is picture of a narcissistic and atrociously abusive mother who performed unspeakable evils. On the other side of the coin, there is a lovely picture of me and my precious treasures of children. Mother’s day is simultaneously a reminder of the most destructive force in my life and also the most restorative, healing relationships that I have with my own children. This is quite the mind bender, like the day where two crazy opposite universes collide. Today, one universe clearly overcame the other in their collision.
My sensitive husband asked me tonight how today went for me, knowing the power that it holds. I thought for a minute and told him that I chose to keep the coin flipped to the side of love. I chose not to flip the coin over today. I know that this isn’t always possible. Sometimes the past hits me like a freight train traveling 300 miles per hour, but today, somehow, God gave me the gift of amnesia of the pain of “mother.” I maintained connection only with my own role as mother. I reveled in gratitude and joy as my 7 month-old babbled and giggled and pinched my cheeks. I snapped like 300 photos of my almost two-year-old making silly faces at the top of her little slide. I savored every second with my beautiful children and felt the harmony of our lives as we played together. Motherhood has been my redemption. I longed and dreamed and prayed for these angels, but could have never fathomed how wonderful they have turned out to be.
God’s gift to me this Mother’s Day was blissful awareness of only the present moment. He allowed me to be with my children and my beloved without the lingering sorrow of the searing pain from my past. I consider this a gift because it certainly does not happen every day. Some days are clouded by grief, and sometimes, that’s how we heal. But today, I needed light and joy, and my God who gives great gifts knows what I need.
I am infinitely thankful for a Mother’s Day that has been centered on my babies and my love for them. I am blessed beyond reason.