You know when you encounter a blog that is all about a particular issue? Like a blog about a struggle with PTSD, or a medical diagnosis, or eating disorder? I would like to introduce you to my issues: Complex PTSD, Dissociative disorder, Sensory Processing Disorder, POTS, Major Depressive Disorder, OCD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Anorexia, Osteoporosis, Kyphosis, and that’s just what I can ramble out in a few seconds. Yes, these have all been diagnosed. I don’t know how to cope with such a wide spectrum of issues, which all seem to be horribly debilitating at the moment.
I feel very much like the people in my life are ready to throw their hands up in the air and say, “Seriously? Enough with your attention-seeking histrionics!! No one can be afflicted with as many issues as you seem to come up with on a daily basis!” But believe me, I too stand in disbelief, and I am so swamped by competing symptoms that I have no idea how to prioritize any kind of treatment. Occupational therapist? Psychiatrist? Cardiologist? Family Doctor? Therapist? Dietician? Neurologist? Orthopedist? Physical therapist? I feel so horribly self-indulgent to think that I should see all these specialists. I have two children under the age of two, for crying out loud! They need space in my life! But that is the problem, isn’t it? Without treating all of these issues, how the heck can I care for my children? I have overcome so much to have gained this abundant life with my wonderful family. I cannot let shame and self-hate cripple me from taking the steps that I need to take in order to live the abundant life that is available.
But I find myself asking, “Is abundance an option for me?” Do I need to just settle? Do I need to just admit defeat and wave the white flag to my brain and body and try to just be content with my quality of life? Who am I to think that I should have a higher quality of life than what I am currently living with? I’ve done alright for myself given my circumstances, so I should just suck it up and keep marching through this quick sand.
I honestly don’t know what to do. The most squeaky wheel this week is the SPD. I can’t seem to tolerate much sensory input, especially visual, especially when driving. This is a problem when I feel the responsibility of driving my children around. The weight of my precious cargo is unbearable. But what can you do when you are constantly being assaulted by seemingly innocuous stimuli? Toughen up? Suck it up? Just drive, for crying out loud, no one else on the road looks like their brains are going to melt out their ears any moment! Obviously, my self-talk is lacking some compassion. It seems functional, however. I can’t depend on other people to chauffeur me and my children all around town. But I can’t do this much longer. I will crumble. Is there a chance that people are more compassionate than I give them credit for? Is there a possibility that no one will judge me as hard as I seem to judge myself?
Just a hint: I am inviting feedback to this post. I am desperate for some reassurance.
1 thought on “The Mental and Physical Traffic Jam”
Not sure if this will help but I’ve been thinking sort of similar things in regards to depression and anxiety. When I am at my worst I am certain that ‘I can’t go on like this’. I don’t take any medication or anything because I really don’t want to and I am not convinced it would help. But something I have noticed is that when I dwell on the dark, the darkness expands. I have been experimenting with my thoughts to remember that Philippians verse ‘whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things.’ I think it has helped a little at least. Another thing is I am learning to view this as a ‘thorn in my flesh’. When I am consumed with fear, worry, etc, I say to myself ‘I accept this thorn.’ When I think I just want to spend the rest of my life in an insane asylum because that would be more bearable than living in a fallen world, instead of running to the internet to research depression and antidepressants, I say, ‘I accept this thorn’ His grace is sufficient. Where I am lacking, Christ will fill in the gaps.
I’m not saying you don’t need outside help. Just maybe giving you a place to start where your mind might calm down and be able to sort things out and prioritize where your deepest needs are.