I have a confession. I can’t always remember what I have written about in the past, and I abhor reading my own writing, so I may write about the same issues over and over and have no idea that I am repeating myself. My illness causes “brain fog” which includes issues with memory, and then my low oxygen also contributes to the decline of mental function. My husband has to listen enthusiastically to the same stories on repeat, and only occasionally reminds me that I’ve shared them ten times before. He is super-gracious. He also has to hear the same “spiritual revelations” over and over. They certainly feel brand-new to me, but he claims that I had that same revelation a month ago, and the month before that one, and actually every month over the past year. At least I never get bored.
My poor husband, and probably, you poor readers, might get bored frequently with my Fifty-First Dates fashioned writing. Just call me Drew Barrymore, stick a DVD in the player every morning replaying my life and my hallmark moments for me, and call it good.
Skim the stuff that I’ve covered before. I pray that my memory is not quite as bad as it seems, but I suspect that I circle around the same mountains frequently. If I say, “Hey look at that gorgeous tree!! I’ve never seen anything quite that exquisite!” , you can respond with, “Oh yeah, we saw that about two weeks ago in this same spot. We are going in circles. Moving on.” Then you can lead me by my precious little hand to a new path that we haven’t traversed. Deal? Okay. Thanks.
Now that I’ve gotten my caveat out of the way, I can’t seem to remember what I was going to write about today. Oh, yeah. Healing. My doctors are concerned. I’m teetering on the edge of a danger-zone, health-wise, and that is lighting a fire under their butts. This is good and bad. It is good in that they may actually start really investing some energy in figuring out what is making my poor body malfunction so tremendously (now that they have significant documented evidence of the level of malfunction and the danger of the malfunctions). It is bad in that my body is in a state of extreme limbo and there are critical issues that are becoming evident. This is scary. I don’t want to die, not anymore. I want to be a wife and a mommy and a living human being. I don’t want my heart to stop beating. So I feel that I am being taken seriously. Good and bad.
It is intuitive to assume that when one is sick, she thinks about healing quite frequently. One will probably also encounter many people who speak of healing, who desire healing, who are praying fervently for her healing. Most often, it is solely physical healing, because physical infirmity is the presenting issue. Thus, over the past two years, I have wrestled mightily with the issue of physical healing, God’s sovereignty, God’s will, God’s goodness, living in a fallen, broken world, and the purpose of pain and suffering. I have looked at so many different perspectives on these matters. Fortunately, I have not encountered many people who have thrown out condemning messages. No one has come up to me and asked piously, “Who sinned? Was it you, or your parents, or someone else who brought on this illness?”, as Jesus’s disciples inquired of Him regarding the man blind from birth. No one has said, “if you have enough faith you will be healed.” No one has condemned me for not being healed yet, and no one has even said that it is all in my head (that has only been alluded to by a few friends). I have been spared so much judgement and opposition, for which I am so thankful. I would have been hard-pressed to endure much criticism or condemnation from others as most of my condemnation comes from my own mental arsenal of lies. People, for the most part, have been understanding, kind, and compassionate. I still struggle with what healing is supposed to look like for me, what to ask for from God, and if there is a larger picture of healing that I am missing because I am too close to the picture.
Last night, a dear group of ladies (powerful prayer warriors) offered to pray for me and for my husband. We met them at the church and took turns being prayed over. As the three warriors prayed over my husband, I entertained our little ones in the nursery, and then we switched places. These women mean business when they get together to pray, and my husband was in the sanctuary with them for an entire hour. It was fast approaching the children’s bed-time, so when my turn came, I requested the abbreviated version of what Jordan received. As I was voicing my concern about the kids’ bedtime and not taking up too much more time, I realized that I was coming up against an issue of worthiness. I felt unworthy of extended prayer. I put the brakes on my request for a shorter prayer time, and I told them to pray as long as they felt led to pray. It is a vulnerable position to put one’s self in, to be prayed over. First of all, there is the whole “laying on of hands” thing. We all know that I’m not one for being touched. Then there is my control-freak nature that has to step down into a place of submission and passivity, or so I thought. So as the praying started, I bowed my head and tried to take a passive position, just to let these warriors do the battling over me. Ten minutes in, I felt a stirring in my Spirit to engage more actively, to softly whisper the name of Jesus, to breathe prayers of agreement, and to whisper prayers of the Spirit as He lead the way. In actively engaging in the prayer session, I felt a new investment in the prayer time. I felt like one of the warriors going in for battle. I was fighting alongside them, no longer a passive recipient of prayer. I felt an overwhelming energy and joy rising up in my soul.
As the ladies continued to pray, I was aware of an overwhelming focus on physical healing. I don’t believe that the focus on physical healing was bad, or out-of-place. I’m not sure what I think of it honestly, but I felt the Spirit whispering ceaselessly, “I want so much more than just physical healing for you. Do you see what I’m doing within your illness? I am healing you.” I knew that He was calling me to praise Him. He is so unbelievably faithful, and His faithfulness has been more evident during the past two years than I have ever seen before I got sick. I did not feel a sense of urgency for physical healing. I felt gratitude, deep, mirthful, joyful, soul-embracing thankfulness. This seemed out of place for the type of praying that was going on. I prayed out loud, the ladies prayed more. They prayed scripture, the armor of God, Psalm 91, and parts of James. I am in agreement with their prayers. They were theologically sound, and they flowed from hearts of love. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be prayed over. In addition, I felt like I had a bit of a different vantage point.
I certainly can’t make complete sense out of suffering, any form of it. I don’t believe that God’s perfect will involves illness, death, and sin. My experience of suffering, however, shows me a picture of God that I have never seen before. My brushes with death have offered a depth of agony that has been met with an equally powerful vision of God’s goodness and grace. The desire to share in Christ’s sufferings is legit, to share in Christ’s death, so also to experience the power of the resurrection. There is this trump card that He holds that He flashes to those who are in the depth of suffering. It’s like He’s winking at us, saying, “Don’t worry. I’ve got this. No matter what happens, I am making all things right.” I have never had that glimpse of God’s hand of cards until I was at the utter end of myself.
I don’t know. I will keep praying for physical healing. I want to be strong and healthy and capable. Of course I do. I don’t thrive in vulnerable places, like illness. I also know that our vulnerable places are the soil in which our master Gardener loves to plant the seeds of the Kingdom. So if I need to stay vulnerable for kingdom growth, I’m good with that. If He physically heals, I will praise Him. If He heals in other ways and chooses not to physically heal, I will praise Him. My Savior lives, and He redeems, and He heals. Sometimes His healing just looks a little different than what we expect.