An Advent Lament

One evening in early December, our half-hearted dinner comes to a close. Few words have been exchanged, and the children have each taken about a half of a bite of mashed potatoes and drummed the table with their silverware for the ten minutes that they have been forced to sit in their seats. Jordan and I sit wearily, lacking the energy to even mutter a few words to one another. I stare desperately at the seven candles lit in the middle of the table, longing for them to speak peace to my tempestuous heart. My heart is an impenetrable fortress and refuses to allow the light in. Jordan asks me why I am staring the candles down, and I sigh and blow them out with extended effort. Their light falls short of my desperate soul’s need for comfort and peace tonight.

The heaviness in my chest and the thickness in my throat lingers. My head aches with the aftermath of the day’s panic attacks and fits of rage. The lingering failure of the day hangs over my spirit like a cloud. And the advent candles failed me. Or I failed them. The emotional and physical pain of this advent is palpable, oppressive, and I struggle to breathe through the smog of my carnality. I feel as though I am crying out to empty heavens, staring into illusory candles, reaching for something that isn’t even there. I know that this is just a feeling, and I know, on an intimate heart level, that God is indeed with us. I just don’t feel Him or hear Him right now.

Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Come, Lord Jesus. Break through the darkness and brokenness of my multi-faceted infirmities. Break into our family’s heaviness, and lighten our load. Bring illumination to our darkness. In your mercy, bring beauty and grace to the daily lives of my innocent children. This Advent season, I am beyond desperate for your light. I need a pin-prick of hope. I understand that my perceived needs are not always accurate, so I will accept whatever package in which you choose to deliver said hope. I just need something, anything, soon.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

SoulFuel

Words that fuel your soul and open your heart

Through the Stillness

A blog about things I ponder, things I care about, and things I strive to be.

Stacey Pardoe

Encountering God in the Ordinary

My Messy Desk

Messes. Memories. Masterpieces.

TammyKennington

Restoring Hope. Imparting Peace.

Healthy with Jodi

Let Jodi help you get more fit and healthier today.

The Zebra Pit

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) and Spoonie Health and Wellness Blog

Jamison Writes

Not Like The Whiskey

Embracing the Unexpected

Embracing Life in the Midst of the Unexpected

Back To The Beginning

After my stroke, my comprehension was badly damaged, and so studying the Word is definitely not easy for me anymore. But I will continue to read and study, taking things one verse at a time, and see what God shows me!

Faith Unscripted

rexamining peacemaking

Becoming His Tapestry

Because I am in the process of becoming, of allowing my Master to weave the various threads of my life into His Masterpiece. Proverbs 31:30

Stumbling Upon Sarah

Enjoying life one bite at a time

Chronically Hopeful 2014

Living Despite Chronic Illness

Work in Progress

My thoughts as I journey through this thing called life.

Hyde Life Adventures

Misadventures of a Military Family

Eating Disorder Recovery

Writing about taking my life back from my eating disorder, one day at a time.

Etcetera

Writing; wondering; creating

%d bloggers like this:
search previous next tag category expand menu location phone mail time cart zoom edit close