I wrote this article back in March, in the middle of the Lenten season. It was shared here at Annesley Writers. I realized that I have not shared it here, on my personal site with you guys.
I have this propensity to explode. When my blood pressure fluctuates, when blood doesn’t adequately pump to my brain, when my pain medications are wearing off, I am unpredictable.
The most difficult part of this issue is that I am agonizingly aware of my irrational temper-tantrums, and I live in fear of my explosions. One of my family’s biggest complaints about my struggle with my chronic illnesses (aside from my horrific memory) is that I have anger issues.
No amount of awareness of the neurological basis for this weakness can relieve me of the guilt that comes after snapping at my empathetic kids or my beloved husband.
I try to stay seated as this position helps with the blood flowing to the brain issue. I take medications to help regulate heart rate and blood pressure and to reduce the gallons of adrenaline my broken nervous system dumps into my body. These physiological interventions only work minimally.
I still fall into non-coherent, flames-shooting-out-of-ears nuclear blasts. They usually end with a humiliated chuckle, and an embarrassed muttering of, “Sorry, Mommy’s head turned into a volcano again.”
Internally, I am thrashing myself, resolving to control my temper better. Externally, I am emailing my doctor, desperately begging for some kind of medical intervention that will stabilize my labile physiology that seems to have my psychology hanging by a thread.
Cognitive decline, neurological conditions, and anger outbursts can bring even the greatest saint to her knees, and these deficits pull out the parts of me that I never want to have exposed to the light of day.
Lent seems to do the same thing, and the season of Lent this year has corresponded with a heightened awareness of my short-comings.
Hot tears, intermingled with hot bath water, Epsom salts, and essential oils, meet me in the rare moments of solitude and reflection during my Lenten morning bath times. Bathing is tricky with toddlers around, so I strategically schedule shower and bath time for early in the morning before my husband leaves for work. The tears flow more freely these days, triggered by my wrestling-matches with my volatile temper.
As my body is wrapped in the warmth and comfort of oil, magnesium, and sulfate-infused water, my spirit feels cracked and raw. I squeeze my eyes shut to find my heart hemorrhaging into this cleansing pool. I can’t do this on my own. I am at the end of my pathetically limited internal resources, self-sufficiency, functionality, and medical options. My false sense of self dissolves with the salts in these purifying waters, and I ugly-cry until my fingers and toes are wrinkled and the water is luke-warm.
Lent is a time of preparation for Jesus’ cross. We let go of something that feels important to us, and we take on spiritual disciplines that may have fallen to the wayside over the year. We strip away the flesh in order to put on Christ.
I am so quick to judge these 40 days as tedious, but Lent, in fact, is designed to be the church’s springtime, as we pull back winter’s layers of death and rise with a spirit of repentance, embracing the full gift of forgiveness through the cross of Christ, and experience a fresh empowerment of the Holy Spirit to embody and further the Kingdom of God.
How many nights do I cuddle with my precious three-year-old daughter in her bed, whispering words of repentance into her ear? “I am so sorry that I yelled at you tonight, Baby. Mommy lost her temper again, and I was wrong.” Or how many times do I have to sit down with my husband after accusing him of something completely absurd to ask his forgiveness?
I keep asking forgiveness, and they keep forgiving.
My temper issues are only one example of a deeper condition. One thing has become certain over this Lenten season: I am in desperate need of forgiveness and grace, every day, every hour, every minute.
I frequently feel like Paul: “I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes … Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.” (Romans 7: 17-20, The Message).
My illnesses are getting the better of me. They capitalize on my weakness. This is such a hopeless feeling, except, except, I can hear a whisper…
“Come now, let us reason together…” (Isaiah 1:18).
Lord, what reasoning do you have to offer? I whisper back. I’m a white-hot flame, ready to singe the next victim. I am lost in this chaos of a broken body and broken brain. The weight of it is smothering.
I died for this too. I died for you, with all of your struggles and all of your illnesses. I beat death for you too, Megan, my beloved child.
My tearful bath time comes to a close, I cannot lament any longer, and I feel a sense of closure, or exhaustion, as I rise to face the day. Pandora switches songs as I wrap my diseased body in a towel. God sings the second verse like a fresh breath of life. I laugh out loud with the joy that only can come in the morning following a long night of weeping:
“When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there,
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.”
(Before the Throne of God Above, Charitee Lees Bancroft, 1841)
2 thoughts on “White-hot Forgiveness”
Just curious. Are you taking any benzos? I was prescribed daily Ativan by my doctor when I was undergoing an aggressive treatment regimen to help “quiet” things in my CNS. I soon began experiencing inter-dose withdrawals that were just awful. The worst part of the was the way I would snap at my family when I was experiencing these. I still get frustrated and grouchy at times but nothing like when I was on Ativan. I still fringe at what my family had to endure during this time.
I agree, John. I do think that a portion of what I experience is medication side effects. It’s a tricky balance–figuring out if the benefits outweigh the negative consequences of different medications, especially since my body is so sensitive. I am always evaluating my symptomology in light of potential medication influence.