The tension of my life and my testimony is this: Healed and still sick. God saved my life in March, just as He did four years ago, just as He did three times in 2007 and 2008. My testimony is powerful….because God.
And here I am, still balancing specialist appointments, taking 25-30 pills a day, infusions, and continuously being handed additional diagnoses even when I treat them like hot potatoes and throw them back.
I’m on the heels of a week that rendered me flat out in bed, tears of pain rolling back into my ears once again, too exhausted to move, holding too much pain in my body to sleep.
On the other hand, when able I’ve been walking, and walking, and walking.
It’s good. It is so very good.
Everyone is on board (my medical team and family), with a little coaxing, and as long as I don’t pass out and wear my emergency sensors. It has helped me tune in with God, my body, and the natural and spiritual realm. God is redeeming physical activity for me, the thing that I once bowed down to worship (I had a severe exercise addiction) is now one of my sweetest times with my beloved Father of lights.
It is fragile, and it is a tenuous balance. I step out prayerfully and humbly each morning as I start my walk, listening for the inner peace that comes with a God breathed walk. When I initiate the walk in my former addictive mentality, it feels frenzied, desperate, and fear-driven. At that point I turn around and go back inside, waiting for my heart and head to re-align with God’s heart for me.
My body is tolerating walking O…..K. As my joints, especially knees, neck, and spine deteriorate with this autoimmune diagnosis that seems to work swiftly fusing them together, and as EDS works to dislocate others joints, walking requires a new level of attunment to my body’s signals; Though, I suppose it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to respond to a knee that feels like it is being run through by a sword!
I’m not healed, but God has called me to these walks. So here we are, in this place of active waiting…waiting for the world to change, waiting for my body to change, waiting for my mind to change……AND walking forward in the truths that I know to be true:
Today is a gift, and I will embrace it as such;
Gratitude always precedes the miracle, but we don’t practice gratitude to get the miracle, but simply because God is giving us hearts of thanksgiving;
I am not limited if I truly know the Author of my soul and connect to His heart for me.
This is my life: It is lived here and now, in the waiting, in the living, in the surrender, in the trusting, in the dying, in the rising. (Think “Alive and Breathing” by Matt Maher)!
I’m not waiting to “get better” to start living the worship life He has given me. Suffering is rotten. It really is awful. Also suffering is a gift when we give it back to the Giver of all good gifts.
This is my story, it involves a lot of waiting, and it involves even more intimacy with God. Therefore, my story is unbelievably beautiful. Maybe healing is waiting for me on this earth. That would be incredible. Maybe healing on earth doesn’t fit in my mind’s boxed definition of healing. Maybe it’s even better.