I really hate dealing with medical stuff. It is inconvenient, not to mention expensive, to go to the doctor and have test after test. When one test comes back normal, I retreat sheepishly, convinced that I made all of my symptoms up anyway. I apologetically go back to normal life, trying to function like the chest pain, blackouts, fainting, headaches, deep bone pain, and a dozen other symptoms don’t exist. I would hate to be that obnoxious hypochondriac that the doctors dread getting another call from. I make it a few hours in my shame-filled hole of self loathing for reaching out for help, and then I have another episode. Again I think, “there’s no way I’m making this up. I feel like I’m dying.” Then, a few hours later, or the next day, I feel a bit better, and I hate myself again for being such a pathetic self-indulgent neurotic.
This is why finding out what is wrong with me is so difficult. I can’t seem to allow any of my experience to be valid. I passed out? I bet I imagined it. The blood pressure cuff recorded a really drastic drop between sitting and standing? Surely I held my arm wrong. I can’t sleep because my whole body is throbbing? I bet everyone’s body feels this way. I’m just being a baby. I have this internal monster that seems bent on me being the least reliable source of information on the face of the planet.
So I see a cardiologist next Wednesday. I am praying that they find something, anything, so I can have some validation and perhaps some relief. This cycle of experience followed by vehement denial is painful and exhausting.
I was reading a blog post by someone who experienced similar symptoms to mine and finally found a diagnosis. She was true to herself and honest about the brutality of the symptoms. She talked about the whole process being an agonizing trial and praying for relief. I wish that I could validate myself enough to recognize this struggle as a health crisis and accept the help that I need. I wonder what it would take for me to take myself seriously.
Or maybe I’m just making it all up and am already taking myself too seriously.
The Beautiful Broken 
It’s hard when you can’t find an explanation to the physical symptoms. I have had many instances where symptoms were so strong I was sure that was it. No one could ever find anything though, which was a relief, but also frustrating. Increased fear and stress was the only explanation. Just a thought, is their any correlation with your cycle at all? Hope you find some answers.